few things to do before the yr ends

cant believe im awake this early during break, but its good i guess, more t ime to spend :)
so, got any plan for nw yrs eve n nw yr? i got mine..
im going to portland.. yeah portland, welcome me!! lols
me going w sev ppl from church
hardly hang out w em b4, i hope evrythings gna b fine
somehow im always nervous to b around there
my attitude is just so flaw tat im ashamed being around there,  i hav to stay "ja'im" all the time, its tough!! >"<
oh if only i could control my attitude, it'd b nice~~~ :(
anw anw.. the trip is 2mr..
im going to an outlet this afternoon, need to get bday gift for nguyen
goshh hate getting bday gift, dunno wat to get = =
also, im going there w/o being invited, is wrong huh?
ohh myy, cant believe im inviting myself, shame on me?! but then im bored n need to get stuffs = =;

-Cindy-

it's fading "again"

as much as i could wish for so-called trust/faith/believe, i'm losing it again
i was about to believe in others, like rlly about to
if only it stayed longer then i'd believe in it
now it's fading, wat can i do?
it faded before, but it came to me, now it's fading again
ahh, i wonder if it truly existed
if it existed, why couldnt it stay?
ppl said "b4 u start to believe/trust in somebody, u gotta believe/trust urself"
ohh mayb its bcoz i cant even believe/trust myself
but how can i when i keep on failing myself?
would u believe/trust in sth that always disappointed u? i wouldnt!!!
mayb i didnt try hard enough, tats true.. i havent tried yet.. i shuld start..
for now, i'm not gna trust nth/nobody
i'm sorry~~~ TT.TT

-Cindy-

life is tough

hell yeah life is tough

if it's not, it'd b boring, yea?

at least tats wat i think

had a long chat this evening

1st time i let it out, the problems that been bothering me

do i feel better? not rlly

its endless, there's no relief, it'll come again eventually

but i realized im not the only troubled girl

n the only loner around

ohh yea.. LONER

it didnt come to me till a friend stated, "i always think of u as a loner"

it is true tho, thinking bout it now

its ok, i like it to b like tat

i hav my own barrier, u can try crossing it, but i cant promise anything ;)

anw, just a piece of mind that i planted in my mind

life is ALWAYS tough, if its not, its no fun, dont u think so? ;)

enjoy it while u can, eventho u hav to be a LONER

sometimes its fun to b a loner :D

-Cindy-

fall 10 is over, wat now?

I'm done w fall '10
do i get good grade? do i? do i?
i gotta wait till the 15th, but somehow i dont giv a damn bout it nomore
i'm just so tired of school
i feel like i understand yet nth went as i expected it to be
but it's over, isnt it?
whether its good or bad, it dont matter
here i am waiting for the grade :(

3 weeks break, wat shuld i do?
yeah will b busy for a week w a friend's visit, but wat beside that?
mayb goofing round seattle, eh? oregon as well, mayb
i better enjoy my break
there wont b no life for me next qtr, 3 classes + 3 labs
yeahh go ahead, just suck my life out of me = =;

let's party hard while we can!!!!! :)

-Cindy-

hatred & prayer

i havent been posting anything, hav i?
yeah been hella busy that i forgot everything..

now, i dont wna go round n round, lets go straight to the point..
hav u ever hate somebody that sometime u feel like u wna squeeze em like squeezing oranges?
or mayb roast em like those roasted porks in chntown?
or go straight to killing em? hold on, killing seems too much..
lets make em suffer first, like wat they did to u..
isnt there a phrase "treat others like how u wna b treated?"
ahhh, mayb this is wat they want..

im sorry God..
i kno You told me hatred n the thought of killing are sinful..
but i am just an ordinary human..
can You please forgive me?
no, i think they best thing I should beg You is please change their hearts n minds, let em b nice to "us," let "us" suffer no more!!!
i can bear the suffering if it's just ordinary thing, but it's too much from em..
im so tired n even SICK of em..
forgive me oh God..
please.. i dont mean to hate em.. T.T
and most importantly, please protect "her" from em, let "her" lay on You, let "her" be strong in You..
also, please dont let "him" be contaminated by em..
this is my prayer to You. Amen.

I lov u God.
I lov u m & d.

most desirous..

hiking.. day trip..
these 2 are my most desirous things to do now..
but.. i got no1 to go w..
sad life, isnt it?
or shuld i say i havent found those ppl yet..
but summer's almost over.. T.T
come come, please come.. >"<

-Cindy

same old feeling

i've been feeling tired n sick since long ago, but wat can i do?
can sb tell me?
n now this feeling is getting worse n worse..
im just tired..
i kno there r so many great things out there..
but are they made for me to enjoy?
i miss my friends..
i miss my old time..
everything seems so new since i came back..
n i cant seem to fit in..
they are not made for me..
we are different.. is there anyone who think the same way as me? who likes the same thing as me?
i've been searching n searching, but cant find it..
can "u" just come to me coz im tired of looking?
plus, i feel the burden.. its heavier.. which makes me feel more tired, or even exhausted..

i wanna run away, but my feet cant be moved.. they're stuck here..
wat shuld i do then? keep on looking for "them?" or just try to fit in?

-Cindy